“What hurts the most; having so much to say, and seeing you walk away…”

No matter how many break-ups you go through, the next one is always going to hurt.

No matter how many break-ups you go through, you’ll never be truly prepared for when a girl just disappears [like a ghost].

What hurts the most was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away
And never knowin’ what could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was trying to do

The feeling of not being done yet, yet powerless to do anything about what’s going on or to ascertain what might have been. Powerlessness combined with the fear of the unknown. I don’t care who you are, there’s few things that match this particular pain. Even if you think you’ve seen it all.

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losin’ you everywhere I go
But I’m doing it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still harder gettin’ up, gettin’ dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

Recognize any of that?

After dealing with 4 ghosts in the past two years, one of which confused me, two of which hurt, and the one the rended my heart, I’d like to add to some excellent advice that my good friend Ace has already provided on the subject and answer some potentially frequently asked questions on the subject.

  1. Get a support group of people you trust to whom you can vent about the girl and (over-analyze it if you must). Having a large group of people is important, because you’ll get tired of talking about before anyone in your support group does. Telling the story to more than three people makes the story get old, to the point where you’re actually fed up about it enough to stop thinking about it so hard.
    1. My support group at one point consisted of (* = most important/helpful):
      1. Dad (vent/advice/sounding board)*
      2. Brother (vent)
      3. Sister (vent)
      4. Sister’s Husband (vent/advice)
      5. Mother (vent)
      6. Best Friend (vent/sounding board)
      7. Family friend (vent/sounding board)
      8. Family friend’s Mom (vent/sounding board)
      9. Mentor (vent/advice/sounding board)*
  2. Write it out. Write as much or little (and as meaningful) as possible on the subject as you can allow yourself. This will get some of the pain out of your head and on paper. It’ll help you think less of things because you’ll not worry about forgetting details, especially the good parts. Might help you come to terms with things or see them in a sober light if you take a break and come back for a review.
    1. Here a couple of examples of this in action:
      1. Russian-Thought Criminal
      2. Smarty Pants
  3. Realize there’s a reason for everything and sometimes it’s not you. Sadly, since you don’t know what could have been it’s hard to accept that things are over when you aren’t ready for them. Realize that ultimately, you’re better off that these relationships are over. Yes – I know. As someone who’s employed to get shot at and live, I never thought it could hurt so much to dodge a bullet either.
  4. Give yourself time to recover. Of course it hurts. Attempting to deceive yourself into thinking it doesn’t or that you’re perfectly fine doesn’t work. Often times, bottling your emotions just means that they’ll come out at a time you didn’t expect when you can least afford it. Try to give yourself a reasonable deadline to mourn the relationship. Allow yourself to listen to sad songs. Allow yourself to stare off into space. Allow yourself to drone on about it to your support group. In my experience, the pain leaves sooner when I let it go through rather than attempt to block it or otherwise bottle it up.
  5. Date girls who live close by. It’s easier to see the signs in girls who live close by. They’re less likely to ghost on you as they’re more likely to run into you and you can better gauge how they feel about things and more importantly, you. This doesn’t mean you can unequivocally stop a ghosting, but rather see it before it happens and prepare for it, at least.
  6. If you have something to say, say it. If you think there’s something you need to do, do it. A medium plan executed now is better than a good plan executed later. Women are creatures of the moment. If you don’t say what you need to say or do what you need to do at the moment it’s time, you don’t usually get another chance. So don’t worry too much about saying or doing the wrong thing, as you’ll always regret and beat yourself up over inaction over action. Every time. Sometimes all you can say is that you still like her and that she knows where to find you when she realizes her mistake.
  7. Vocalize your dislike for ghosting to each girl you start to see. Say it’s because you don’t want to waste your time or hers. You may not (ok, probably won’t) get the whole, complete, honest answer why things are over, but you’ll probably at least get clear message that things are over. This will stop you at least from wondering where you stand what you could have done about your heretofore unsure standing. This won’t work 100% of the time, but it’s worked so far for me.

Frequently Asked Questions:

1) Does it ever get easier? Does it ever stop hurting?

No. It doesn’t really get easier and it doesn’t stop hurting. Eventually, you find it within you to carry on despite the pain. To my mind, the quality of girl and circumstances around the ghosting determine the recovery period from a measly couple of weeks to many miserable months.

2) How do I make it hurt less?

Make yourself busy to the point where you don’t have time to sit around and be sorry for yourself (that is not saying do not deal with it!). Eventually you don’t think about it because you don’t have time to and therefore won’t dwell on the pain, cutting old wounds afresh.

3) Is there anything I can do about her leaving?

You can do nothing. Anything else will make it worse and in time you’ll regret. Contacting her in hopes of the small dopamine hits you get from talking to her, seeing her, will take their toll on you when the withdrawal from what you really want from her (everything) hits you.

4. Will she ever come back?

No. Don’t even go there. Out of 6 ghostings, one girl messaged me back 9 months later after no contact, to tell me that she found out she Ovarian cancer shortly before she broke it off and blocked me on all social media. She didn’t come back to me, she just got in touch with me to let me know what happened out of guilt and because she thought I was over her. She was mostly right. Regardless, the more you accept your fate (it’s over) and that there’s nothing you can do about it, the more likely you are to get a second bite of the apple.

Hope this helped.

~Wald

80 Proof Playlist Complete

I’ve gone through Ace’s blog and have added 9 songs to the 80 Proof Playlist, bringing it to 80 songs in length. As you read this, I’m working on the youtube playlist to bring it up to date.

  1. “..and I place a nameless stone.” (A Pale Horse Named Death – Shallow Grave)
  2. “Times have changed and times are strange…” (Ozzy Osbourne – Mama, I’m Coming Home)
  3. “I just wanna lay here and let myself die…” (A Pale Horse Named Death – DMSLT)
  4. “…zero to 60, can it outrun her memory?” (Montgomery Gentry – Speed)
  5. “…still got that feelin’ but I’m too old to die young now.” (Brother Dege – Too Old to Die Young)
  6. “How low low low can we keep digging this hole until we come out on the otherside?” (Red Sun Rising – The Otherside)
  7. “To feel the pain that spurs you on” (Alice in Chains – Your Decision)
  8. “…trying to be me, oh, it ain’t easy…” (Bad Company – Simple Man)
  9. “Sent a letter on a long summer day.” (Journey – Wheel in the Sky)

These songs are a bit dark. The last 5 from no.4 to no.9 will no doubt find their way into your ears more than appropriate, when you endure a break up.

All my best to you and yours.
~Wald

80 Proof Playlist Update #2

It’s time for another update for the 80 Proof Playlist:

80 Proof Playlist (SBP)

First off, commenter Autist Overlord Attack Helicopter, asked me to make a youtube playlist. I’ve done so. It’s actually pretty simple to do; here are the instructions:

80 Proof Playlist Update #2 (SBP)

Here’s the youtube playlist.

Due to the nature of youtube playlists, I’m unable to get Ace’s own song “Quake” (it’s on soundcloud) on the youtube playlist unless Ace himself decides to put that song on youtube.

I’ve added 16 new songs to my playlist and to the actual youtube playlist, bringing the total of songs to 72.

  1. “Singin’ the blues while the lady cats cry..” (Stray Cats – Stray Cat Strut)
  2. “…if you will please, move in closer…” (Saliva – Ladies and Gentlemen)
  3. “…telling tales of drunkenness and cruelty…” (The Kinks – Sunny Afternoon)
  4. “…you wouldn’t stay with me if something better comes along…” (Wolfsheim – Find You’re Here)
  5. “The look on your face don’t deceive me; I told you before, so believe me…” (KLOQ – We’re Just Physical)
  6. “…Tell me, mother, will I die?’ ‘Yes, my child, and so shall I’…” (Chris Isaak – Black Flowers)
  7. “…heroin drip, no more so…” (Selena Gomez – The Heart Wants What It Wants)
  8. “…when the band plays Hail to the Chief, they point the cannon at you…” (Creedence Clearwater Revival – Fortunate Son)
  9. “…a hell of a revelation too sudden and insidious to escape…” (Rob Dougan – Clubbed To Death
  10. “You thought you made a man, you better think again…” (Audioslave – Show Me How To Live)
  11. “When your line is crossed, I get off…” (Halestorm – I Get Off)
  12. “Now I bleed for you; burn for me…” (Type O Negative – Blood And Fire)
  13. “Arm yourself because no one else here will save you…” (Chris Cornell – You Know My Name)
  14. “Don’t care if he’s guilty; don’t care if he’s not…” (The Civil Wars – Devil’s Backbone)
  15. “That’s why I cut you just to heal you.” (Hugo – Hurt Makes It Beautiful)
  16. “I just wanna lay here and let myself die…” (DMSLT – A Pale Horse Named Death)

Please enjoy responsibly.

~Wald

Random Thoughts #3

Before I take the time to write a proper wrap of my #NoNothingNovember, I’ll include this brief thought I had from a conversation I had with my best friend last night.

As you may recall, I once wrote a post on Sisyphus and the human condition.

“…to be human is to struggle. Life is struggle”

When I was talking with my buddy, conversation turned to that theme again and I said:

Humans need a mountain to climb. For men, that mountain is accomplishment, accolades, and other achievements. For women, the mountain is you. Don’t give them a peak.

To clarify what I mean you could go back and refer to what I said further, in my Sisyphus post:

Inertia is death…

Why would a man wish for a neverending mountain? Because…at the top of the mountain, it’s nothing but downhill from there.

But there’s a man who’s said it better than I – for, though he uses more words saying it in the long form, a certain nuance is made apparent; and that nuance might make all the difference. But I want you to focus on a specific part – which commenter Earl pontificates upon.

Ace - P23-02-2014 Comment by Earl

After reading his post for the third or fourth time; after my thoughts writing this post and my thoughts reading his post coalesced; I posted this comment.

Upon further reflection, I think the issue is that one cannot be “satisfied” with a women in a relationship, especially if she is “the one”. For the day you are satisfied is the day she is not.

Satisfaction is the peak from which she can only see downhill.

The higher value the man, the steeper the climb.

The less secure the man, the steep the descent.

And the more “game” a man has, the steeper he can make the ascent, the more gradual he can make the descent, and perhaps he might be able to convince her to make one more trip back up, for a better look at the view if he finds her on the way back down.

I don’t think I have it completely correct. I might not even be close. I am, however, getting closer.

Wald

This concept and the one explored in this post are related. But how and to what extent?

English translation of the lyrics.

80 Proof Playlist

80 Proof Playlist (SBP)

I’ve been reading Ace’s blog seriously since sometime February last year. I enjoy what he has to say and find myself going over old posts every now and then. Another thing that really keeps me coming back is the music. He picks songs for each new post he makes and they all have relevance to the issue at hand. Listening to the songs enhances the reading experience immensely.

Also – Ace has fantastic taste in music. So without further ado – I present the 80 Proof Playlist: 72 of the best* songs. Here it is on youtube.

  1. “Good God, you’re coming up with reasons; good God, you’re dragging it out…” (Seether – Fake It)
  2. “If my heart were still alive, I know it would surely break…” (Megadeth – A Tout Le Monde)
  3. “It’s unlikely the world will end tomorrow-“ (Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun)
  4. “How will I know that you’ll be good, doing the things you know you should?” (Dommin – My Heart, Your Hands)
  5. “Shhhhh, it’s Ok; it’s just me.” (Panzer AG – Monster)
  6. “Open up your eyes…” (Tonic – Open Up Your Eyes)
  7. “Are we having fun yet?” (Nickelback – You Remind Me)
  8. “…no one cares in this world; where a girl loves a boy…” (Alizee – La Isla Bonita)
  9. “…but it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough…” (Gnarls Barkley – Crazy)
  10. “Two packs of cigarettes a day; the strongest whiskey Kentucky can make…” (Shinedown – What a Shame)
  11. “Trust I seek and I find in you…”  (Apocalyptica – Nothing Else Matters)
  12. “C’est pas ma faute..” (Alizee – Moi Lolita)
  13. “…to take us out of the dark…” (James Brown – It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World)
  14. “…brought way too much baggage.” (My Darkest Days – Porn Star Dancing)
  15. “Keep fighting ’til the end and past the end you’ll be strong.” (Shawn Lee’s Ping Pong Orchestra)
  16. “…but I feel none.” (Wolfsheim – Find You’re Gone)
  17. “Hey, son, I never told anyone…” (Charm City Devils – Devil is a Woman)
  18. “If you like to gamble, I tell you I’m your man…” ( Motörhead – Ace of Spade
  19. “I can hardly hear you say ‘What should I do?’; Well, you choose…” (JET – Look What You’ve Done)
  20. “And you got high on every little game…” (The Civil Wars – The One that Got Away)
  21. “…’Cause my shackles, you won’t be; my rapture, you won’t believe.” (Vertical Horizon – Shackled)
  22. “Just like smoke that fades and makes no sound…” (Shaman’s Harvest – Broken Dreams)
  23. “Hang my head, drown my fear; ’till you all just disappear…” (Chris Cornell – Black Hole Sun)
  24. “…it’s telling me all these these things you would probably hide.”  (Saliva – Always
  25. “This state is elevating as the hurt turns into hating…” (Korn – Here to Stay)
  26. “…I can see you’re out of aces; for a taste of your whiskey, I’ll give you some advice.” (Kenny Rogers – The Gambler)
  27. “I don’t know if I’ll cry; I don’t know if I’ll die laughing.” (Bad Company – Gone Gone Gone)
  28. “Do your demons – do they ever let go?” (Dio – Rainbow in the Dark)
  29. “The kitchen counter is a bad reminder of a better time…” (Thornley – So Far, So Good)
  30. “So much for your high-brow, Marxist ways…” (White Town – Your Woman)
  31. “What a wicked thing to say… (This world is only gonna break your heart.)”(HIM – Wicked Game)
  32. “Your membrane will be soft and smooth and your heart will be mine…” (Greenskeepers – Lotion)
  33. “The judge said ‘This man’s a danger to humanity’…” (Bad Company – Burning Sky)
  34. “What she said was not for the job or lover that she never had…” (The Smiths – What She Said)
  35. “Any love I gleaned from you, I had to beg, steal, or borrow…” (Oinomancer – Quake)
  36. “Just like every cowboy…” (Poison – Every Rose has its Thorn)
  37. “Promise me nothing; live ’til we die…” (Motörhead – Love Me Forever)
  38. “…every vow you break; every smile you fake…” (The Police – Every Breath You Take)
  39. “…because you know sometimes words have two meanings.” (Led Zeppelin -Stairway to Heaven)
  40. “But I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life…” (Phil Collins – In the Air Tonight)
  41. “When all in all we’re just like you…” (Spacehog – In the Meantime)
  42. “And I have all the time in the world – to make you mine…” (Depeche Mode – It’s No Good)
  43. “And I will plead no contest if loving you’s a crime…” (Motörhead – One More Fucking Time)
  44. “I dare you to call my bluff; [I] can’t take too much of a good thing…” (Halestorm – I Miss The Misery)
  45. “Don’t forget this fact – you can’t get it back…” (J.J. CALE – Cocaine)
  46. “They’re sharing a drink called loneliness, but it’s better than drinking alone.” (Billy Joel – Piano Man)
  47. “I try to convince myself that the plane is not gone.” (Slaughter – Fly to the Angels)
  48. “…saeclum in favilla” (Mozart – Requiem in D minor)
  49. “There’s nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home…” (Six:AM – Life is Beautiful)
  50. “This will never end ’cause I want more.” (Fever Ray – If I had a Heart)
  51. “Forever in debt to your priceless advice…” (Lana Del Ray Cover of Nirvana – Heart Shaped Box)
  52. “But I can’t fix you and you don’t want me…” (She Wants Revenge – Someone Must Get Hurt)
  53. “…you feed it once and now it stays…”  (Metallica – Until it sleeps)
  54. “In the dawn, I wake up to find her gone and a note says:”  (Tito & Tarantula – After Dark)
  55. “Trust me and take my hand; when the lights go out, you’ll understand…” (Three Days Grace – Pain)
  56. “If I can’t swim after 40 days…” (Jars of Clay – Flood)
  57. “Singin’ the blues while the lady cats cry..” (Stray Cats – Stray Cat Strut)
  58. “…if you will please, move in closer…” (Saliva – Ladies and Gentlemen)
  59. “…telling tales of drunkenness and cruelty…” (The Kinks – Sunny Afternoon)
  60. “…you wouldn’t stay with me if something better comes along…” (Wolfsheim – Find You’re Here)
  61. “The look on your face don’t deceive me; I told you before, so believe me…” (KLOQ – We’re Just Physical)
  62. “…Tell me, mother, will I die?’ ‘Yes, my child, and so shall I’…” (Chris Isaak – Black Flowers)
  63. “…heroin drip, no more so…” (Selena Gomez – The Heart Wants What It Wants)
  64. “…when the band plays Hail to the Chief, they point the cannon at you…” (Creedence Clearwater Revival – Fortunate Son)
  65. “…a hell of a revelation too sudden and insidious to escape…” (Rob Dougan – Clubbed To Death
  66. “You thought you made a man, you better think again…” (Audioslave – Show Me How To Live)
  67. “When your line is crossed, I get off…” (Halestorm – I Get Off)
  68. “Now I bleed for you; burn for me…” (Type O Negative – Blood And Fire)
  69. “Arm yourself because no one else here will save you…” (Chris Cornell – You Know My Name)
  70. “Don’t care if he’s guilty; don’t care if he’s not…” (The Civil Wars – Devil’s Backbone)
  71. “That’s why I cut you just to heal you.” (Hugo – Hurt Makes It Beautiful)
  72. “I just wanna lay here and let myself die…” (DMSLT – A Pale Horse Named Death)

Please enjoy responsibly.

~Wald

*My opinion

Infinite Loop