A Speedy Brush With a Smartass & a Sweatheart

Dear Smartypants,

Even though you won’t read this, I hope this short note finds you well.

Our short ride together has been a series of broken expectations.

I didn’t expect to meet anyone special that night in the pool hall. I didn’t expect you to remember me well, despite asking for my phone and tapping your number in. I didn’t expect to enjoy talking to you as much as I enjoyed kissing you. I definitely didn’t expect to like Coyote Ugly or Burlesque, your two favorite movies.

How can I fault you for taking the information I freely gave you and making a decision? I can’t.

I didn’t expect to like you as much as I did when that Saturday morning came ’round.

The phrase “good intentions, poor perfomance” is highly underused and underrated and I owe you thanks for giving me (albeit unintentionally) a lesson with that. That, your curves, and your smile will stick in my memory long after I fade from yours, like tears in the rain.

I wish you and your Father all the best.


The Perfect Attitude

The Perfect Attitude

Dear Women,

jokes, like stereotypes usually have a kernel of truth. They’re also an effective way to communicate ideas and information, especially if said ideas and information is unpalatable under normal conditions.

The picture above is another good example of such a thing, though many woman who lack senses of humor may not find it educational, let alone funny.

What’s the kernel of truth? The attitude. It’s true – there’s no such thing as a perfect woman. But a great attitude can’t make up for a lot! Or add that extra sheen to the package deal, to help seal the deal.

The woman above? Her attitude is light-hearted and playful. It’s about pleasing him. It’s about loving a man despite his flaws, even finding them endearing. Loving the man as he is, not who you might wish he was.

The above woman is a woman who gives herself to a man, completely, without reservation or hesitation.

Of course, ladies – doing such a thing opens oneself up to the possibility of being hurt, if you choose the wrong man (and some of you do that on purpose!). That’s why in the past, there was no such thing as a boyfriend and that men and women were married off early.

You can’t just give yourself completely to any guy.

But you can still have the same mindset, just in a matter of degrees.

Besides, ladies. These days, you are learning as men have always known, how hard women are to please. Why not please your man? It’s a much simpler, more rewarding endeavor, I promise.



H/T for the image: Wimminz – Mind Your Language

What is she looking at?

A post for the younger fellows and close to completely inexperienced with girls crowd.

For the longest time, I was not really sure when a girl wanted to kiss me. If you’ll recall, this inability to read women manifested in quite a memorable lesson.

About three years ago, I took a girl to what’s called Midwinter Formal, a special dance. She was a friend of a friend, red headed, tall, and not too bad looking up close. When she came to the dance, she cleaned up well and had a nicer figure than her Facebook photos suggested.

After dancing the night away, playing the meet, fuck, kill game (and constantly picking people I knew she’d say she kill), I could tell she was having a good time. We got to slow dancing. I took a few liberties with my hand placement without being too brazen. It got the point where I’d notice her staring in my eyes and not moving her head when my face was closer to hers. Eventually, I moved in and she closed the rest of the distance resulting in a memorable night whereby my dog tags jingling in the dark of night alerted my 6 roommates that my was not quite over.

The lesson didn’t hit me until I asked my virgin, ginger roommate how his night went.

Me: Did you have a good time?

Him: Why yes, I did.

Me: Did you kiss her?

Him: No.

Me: Why not?

Him: It was not the right time. She wasn’t in the right place for it right then.

Me: Did you ever have a moment where she was looking in your eyes and you found yourself thinking, “What in the world is she looking at?”

Him: Yes.

Me: That’s when you should have kissed her.

If a girl wants to kiss you, you’ll know by how she does not recoil to your touch and doesn’t make much effort to move her head around when you move in and out of close proximity of her face. She’ll start to look in your eyes with a longing gaze that you may not recognize until you kiss a few more girls.

If you ever catch yourself wondering what she’s looking at, stop thinking about it and kiss her.


My Second Major Fail

My second major fail was at a party in tenth grade, my second house party of high school.

I was still not completed over Turkish Delight, but she wasn’t on my mind all the time I guess.

Anyway, I was enjoying the party and some way or another, I ended up on top of a couch, and some girl ended up on top of me. She started rubbing my face so I started rubbing hers. And that was all I did for a couple of minutes, staring into her eyes as she stared into mine. A friend of mine, who is a lot better with girls, walked by and placed my hand on her butt. At first, it annoyed me.

I thought “Hey! What the hell is he doing?” But I didn’t move my hand away, and the girl didn’t seem to mind. I thought “Hmm…that’s wierd.” Up until this point I had never kissed a girl and had no idea what to do in this situation.

After some time, the girl hopped off of me. And made out. With every other guy at the party. Including my friend who placed my hand on her ass. Right in front of my eyes. I was so frustrated that I missed out on such an easy girl that I hit on the fat girl and contemplated making out with her, but my game was even too weak for that.

In the end, I got drunk and passed out. That was after all, my second time drinking, and my first time drinking absinthe.

Despite the haze I experienced next morning, the night’s lesson to me was clear.

I could have kissed that girl last night. In fact, hindsight says that it was obvious that she wanted to kiss me, or that I could have kissed her.

I realized that I had no idea how to tell if a girl liked me, wanted to kiss me, or how I should respond to that. I could not read body language at all even if it was as clear as day.

I knew that I had to learn to read the signs.