I’ve got something important to say.
I know what I want. In my heart of hearts, I know that I want to marry a beautiful women who is at least 10 years younger than me and cherishes me. I want to marry a women who wants to have 15 children. And then 15 more. But I’m not going to marry her just yet.
Right now, I am going to plow as many different women as I can. I am going to make as many mistakes as I can. This way I will be able to identify the woman I want to marry and I will know what to do to make her all mine.
This past month, I’ve been going through a baptism of fire and it is almost over. I just got out of a long distance, long-term relationship of a year with a girl I thought I loved, but realized I was only infatuated with. To date, she is probably the most attractive girl I have been with and the most complementary to my personality. She is the only girl I have ever said ‘I love you” to, outside of family and the girl with whom I’ve been involved with for the longest.
I was talking with a friend about it, beating this horse to death, when he asked me, ‘Is she worth the chase?”
I thought about it for a minute even though it seemed like an hour. “No” I said. “She is not worth chasing.”
That was the most honest thing I have said or thought about her in the last four weeks, let alone 6 months.
The things, I answered honestly because I already knew the answer to that question. I already knew the answer because I had already knew the question. When I first started hooking up with this girl, I knew in my heart of hearts, that I would never marry her. In my head, I pictured myself married to a girl ten years younger than me (at least) and who had parents who never got divorced. This girl is one year younger than and her parents got divorced when she was really young. Her mom remarried, but got divorced from this girl’s stepfather at the end of my senior year (I found this out right when I got back from senior trip). I already knew when it started that we had an expiration-date. I was with her to be along for the ride until it inevitably would crash, which it did. With that in my head, I never cared to0 much about this girl until I did. I thought of her only as hook-up material and someone to pass the time with until graduation until I didn’t. I guess I had forgotten that many months into the relationship.
It is through the death of this relationship that I will be able to fully swallow the red pill. A friend with prescience once told me that this girl will be the template, against which I will compare every other girl I get involved with against. And he was right. Few girls in my future will be able to ever compare to this girl. But that is not the point. With each new conquest, with each new experience, I will meet girls who will not compare to this girl, but will be better than her. At some point I will meet a wonderful girl and when it ends spectacularly, she will be the new template against which I will compare all future girls. This will continue on and so forth until I meet the girl who is worthy enough to be my wife and I am mature and experienced to see her for what she is and not what I want her to be.
I named this blog Scar Tissue because I bear a large scar across my stomach that will remain with me to my death and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Every man bears or will bear a scar, from the one who got away, the moment he lost it all, from when he sunk to the lowest point in his life; which will serve as his permanent reminder of where he came from and where he is heading, on his path to greatness.