(Go ahead, I dare you. Read the post with the song playing)
I was discussing from one of my friends who I have helped unplug from matrix and get exposed to the manosphere things I’ve noticed about myself and others. I discussed some of my past how I’ve gone from socially maladjusted to socially competent to the point where I game nearly everyone.
We talked about several topics and I could not help but notice patterns, patterns that we both notice or share. In the interest of keeping him anonymous and exploring my own thoughts because I want to, I’ll withhold the patterns he shares.
I often feel like I’m on a different level than most people I know. I have a purpose in life and I have plan that gets fleshed out more and more as time passes and I come upon new opportunities. I have always felt that school was relatively easy or that there was someway to game it. When I was middle school in military school, I made straight As with three-year average GPA of 96.7 which made me the middle school Valedictorian. I was concerned that school was too easy and I missing something that would inevitably lower my grades by several degrees. Before military school, I never did homework but always did well on tests.
Throughout middle school, high school, and university I’ve never felt truly a part of any group. At most I have a group of friends who I am very close to with similar interests, but they are a level removed from my highest ambitions. I hope to bring them into the fold in the future, but they are doing just fine as it is. Accompanying these outsider feelings is my ability to hang out with almost any group of people and make friends with everyone. I frequently get along with a wide variety of people such that when hanging out with one group, they’ll denounce another group people I hang out with as douche bags or losers. Sometimes I play along and agree. Mostly I keep quiet or just laugh. I’ve got different levels of friends and I tell varying amounts of information to different friends. I rarely tell everything to any one friend, but spread my news, and if I may be so human as to complain, my complaints between my friends. A lot of the time I direct most of the controversial stuff towards my parents so my friends neither worry for me or think I complain much if at all.
I also noticed with my friend that I could help but notice that I felt some people were incredibly stupid. Accompanying these thoughts are feelings of superiority. I almost feel superior in intelligence, drive, and ambition to most people. I say almost because I dislike feeling superior to the point of being arrogant as I feel I am just waiting for hubris to derail my plans or my life, as it has many a great man or nation before me. I also recognize that people are not on the same level because they do not know, cannot see, and I better use my breath helping them see than mocking them from afar. I want to be the man with whom people rise up, not just one to take people down.
I used to have problems in my past due to bullying from different people at school to being belittled as oblivious, retarded, and unfunny as the youngest in my family. Parts of my Thal nature manifested themselves in how I viewed the world, confused with how it worked, and how I dealt with it. As my social competence increased and my natural understanding on how to manipulate my environment around me increased, these symptoms I experienced decreased and decreased until they faded from memory. I wondered last night why I couldn’t remember much of my childhood before sixth grade, before eight grade and I now think I know why. Somehow my new identity has repressed my old memories and feelings so that I do not regress to my old self. I almost refuse to read old poems I wrote for girls I liked because when I read those poems I feel the exact same feelings I felt when I wrote the poems.
In high school I went through a rebirth and transformed myself into a different version of me. I wore contacts in ninth grade and played contact sports. I was no longer self-conscious about my looks or my physical capabilities as I became know as the best tackler on the school’s JV and later Varsity Rugby team. I realized I could mold the world around me to my desires or benefit when I learned how to act towards teachers, faculty, and staff so that I got in little to no trouble when I got caught breaking the rules. I could walk around the dormitory drunk and the house parents never did anything because they either couldn’t distinguish whether I was drunk or being myself or didn’t care because I made good grades, stayed out of trouble, and was friendly with everyone. My last year, a girl who I got heavily involved with and I silently became the star couple of the dorm while it lasted.
I’ve gone beyond making my parents proud with my grades and my personal growth. I’ve never really been a problem child due to my innate nature and learning quickly from the mistakes of my siblings. And when I have been in some sort of boarding school environment since middle school, my parents are always happy to see me when I come home. Because I’ve never had to stay home for long periods of time (excluding some summers), I realize that I’ve never had to come to terms with any of the dysfunction in my family. When I do come home and see pieces of it, more obvious now that I have gotten older and can recognize it, I am at liberty to let it pass or deal with it as I please. I also realize that while I have an ability to fix some things, I cannot fix them all and I won’t try. I have come so far since my younger days that to deal with some older things would be to regress to my old self again. Today I realize that my family is not perfect, but I am happy with it. I enjoy the parts I like, avoid the parts I don’t like and know that with time, some things will get better.
Now I’m going through another transformation. I’m becoming more aware of the world around me and more comfortable in my ability to assess it for what it is and navigate it. My vision of my ultimate dream in life, to live on forever in human memory, is going from the abstract to reality and gets more tangible everyday. I am just starting on the precipice of getting where I want with women and getting where I want go further. Though I have much to learn and a huge journey in front of me, I look forward to it all. My transformation will not only be about women, though I will undoubtedly have large focus on them due to my libido. With a few new topics coming to the fore of my mind, ideas and opportunities that blow my mind, my development will be quite multifaceted.
With the state of my development and the development in the state of the world I both look forward to the future and dread it. I feel like I am in a race to realize my true potential and implement my designs before the world as I know it ceases to exist, and the rules change once more. The old Chinese saying, “May you live in interesting times” rings truer than John Donne’s Bell, which tolls for us all.
~Wald
Good read, Wald. Introspective.
Thank you, Deti.
Wald
Interesting. You have a way of writing in a very objective, almost cold manner. It irritates me a little. I wonder why. Have you ever wondered whether you may be a psychopath, with your interest and ability to control people? I hope you do not take this as an insult, as I have little preconceptions about it. Just a thought that entered my mind.
Hope you succeed in what you want to achieve.
As for the repressed old self, I figure I always wanted to do the same. I am getting to acknowledge that it serves me better to integrate and no longer fear these old aspects in myself. Makes me feel more complete. Less afraid to fall back and be “exposed”.
But I do understand that part about not reading old poems. You know, as you commented on my Destroy your art article. Curious that you did not mention your own aversion towards old writings. But hey, more left for me to discover on your blog.
I wonder if I am a psychopath at times. Or sociopath. Or narcissist.
Honestly, such words, along with ADHD, OCD, and ADD, get thrown around like candy these days that I can hardly tell. I don’t take it as an insult, just something interesting. If others start asking the same question, then I may have to confront myself about myself about parts of my nature in the future. We’ll see.
Thank you.
At some point, I think I should be able to be my old self. Or not even have an old self but rather integrate who I was then into who I am now. I’m not sure how to do that, but since having learned game, I can better afford to do what I did before (writing poems, for example).
Yeah – when I read that article I didn’t even think about those poems. It’s been so long and I’ve come so far, that I barely even think about them.
Wald
Yeah, very true. People throw that shit at you as a derogative. But I meant psychopath in the sense of a real biological / genetical predisposition, in the sense of reduced shame, guilt and fear. Not in the sense of ‘asshole/murderer/rapist’, although that seems to be something that psychopaths have no quarrels contemplating.
Here is a blog that is written by a psychopath:
http://psychopathicwritings.com
I think I linked it once already, but anyway, it is very interesting to read this stuff.
And never forget that it is a spectrum, not necessarily extremes.
Frankly, the way people throw around the term ‘sociopath’, I would love to be one. You know. Getting girls, getting your own way, being unashamed, in control. It sounds really appealing. Although the question may be whether it comes with downsides. Who knows.
The integrating part is actually kinda easy. It consists simply of feeling those emotions and losing fear and shame about them. It is basically meditation. Focus on just that emotion until it becomes meaningless and acceptable. Scientology uses that technique, too. To resolve ‘engrams’, as they say. From my experience, the most effective method really are psychedelics. They just throw all that repressed shit at you, whether you like it or not.
You’re not the first person to wonder about my cold, calculating nature. First guy, at least.
I do experience shame, guilt, and fear. I think they come at different times or maybe slightly delayed. It depends on what is important to me, I guess.
I’ll check out that blog. Does my writeprint match his? Does his make you uncomfortable?
Yeah – I hear you there. I think there must be a cost somehow, though.
That’s an interesting thought. I’d have to explore that more at some time.
Wald
I may not call you cold if I knew you in real. It may just be your writing.
It may just be that you experience those emotions in a lesser degree than most, you know. Making you more psychopathic, but not a psychopath.
Frankly, I do not care much for these labels. Each is what he is. I just wanted to express this observation, because, yeah, it makes me a little uncomfortable. Not always, though.
I think it may be because many guys today write a lot of smileys and shit, too. Or make some inside jokes. Or use ‘bro’ somewhere in a sentence. Stuff like that. Feels organic.
The cold has this sense of ‘let us stay with the facts’, while the opposite makes you feel cared about. But you do verbalize that you appreciate my comments, so I do not feel like I am an annoyance to you. It may be more your academic style of verbalizing things than the content itself. Possibly a remnant of the military school or: Having a father.
Of course.
Everything changes when you know someone personally. If you’re up for it, I’d be happy to Skype you. We could talk in English and German.
Possibly. Impossible for me to know, at the moment.
Interesting that it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Possibly it is an academic style – but I try not to use filler “lol, bro, smileys”. I just focus on saying what’s in my head. Smiley’s, bro, and what not are just unnatural filler. Sure, when you get used to them, they seem natural.
You are no annoyance. I enjoy these comments. If I don’t reply to one, it usually mean I either missed it or have to think about the reply.
Probably reminiscent of both.
Wald
I do not feel like Skyping right now, but if you care to let the offer stand, I may come back at you. It is nothing personal, just my personal fears and stuff. Also, I kinda hate Skype, with its lags and everything. Often wish I could instead go for a bear with guys I know from the internet.
Yes, I can understand that viewpoint as well. Actually, I lost a friend on the internet because he called me too formal. Just because I was using punctuation and shit in chat. So I guess I adapted. Still revulsed by smilies, though.
Cool. Yeah, likewise. When it becomes an obligation to reply to every single one, it is no longer fun and natural, anyway. Sometimes there is just nothing to say.
The offer stands until you give me a reason otherwise. Understandable. Were it an option, I’d prefer to get a beer and talk face to face. Just how I prefer things. Internet is too impersonal. Good for somethings. Terrible for others.
I’ll never do that. I can do informal, but my natural inclination is formal, especially amongst people who I am not personally acquainted. Sorry to hear about you losing a friend – was it one of your commentators?
Of course. But still – I appreciate you commenting. Feel free to continue bombarding my blog with more.
Wald
Spoken like a man. That directness is new to me. I like it and want to learn from it. I admit that I have to put effort into not being offended, but I believe that you are just stating the obvious truth – which is hard to deny. And you put yourself before me, a good skill.
Never mind about that dude. He was a guy on the internet whom I knew years ago through a game called Jedi Knight 2: Jedi Outcast.
Cool. Will do, as long as I am not through all your old posts and you keep posting new.
You have a deal.
Wald
Of course, I appreciate your comments on my blog as well.