I was talking with Matt Forney the other day, and conversation hit the topic of kids who need to get beaten more often.

I see a lot of kids who I think should have gotten beaten more as children. Or bullied. Or something. I was not beaten as a child, but my father did spank me. His word, was law. Didn’t want to eat my peas?

SMACK! From across the table.

I ate every last one. Every last damn pea.

Had the gall to interrupt conversation?

SMACK! Onto the floor I went.

I was silent for the rest of the night.

It got to the point where he didn’t even have to smack me anymore. He’d look at me and I’d already be cowering inside. One day, my sister told on me because I ate all the icing of the top of his cake. I hid underneath my bed the whole day.

The best part was when I was getting punished for something and I tried to run away.

See, my Dad’s a stand-up guy. He’d spank me thrice for the punishment I rightly deserved and then three times that amount for trying to run away.

The quickest way I learned to avoid the book, open hand, or a long, thin switch, was to either do no evil, or to not get caught doing it. Unfortunately, I was not good at not getting caught. Fortunately, my sister was worse.

She probably still talks about how I didn’t get spanked enough as a kid. And I just laugh because her dumbass probably got me out of more trouble than I ever could by myself.

My secret was that I paid real good attention once the screams penetrated the thin walls that separated our rooms and I made sure not to do what she did.

~Wald