They’ll Say Something If You’ll Listen

Since Ace from 80 Proof Oinomancy has neglected to post recently, I thought I’d detail some salient points form a recent conversation we had over the phone…and pick up the slack.

You see, this past weekend, I broke up with my girlfriend. It was the most amicable break up I’ve had the pleasure of enduring to this day. The thing was, I knew it was coming. I knew it the night before. I knew it a month before.

Because I had warnings – repeated warnings.

Many men who say they didn’t see it coming either couldn’t read the signs or didn’t want to.

You know how it goes. The relationship cools down slightly. Comfortable. You’ve got a confidence that’s hard to rock.

Then it happens. Somethings’s amiss.

She doesn’t refer to you by your usual pet name. She doesn’t sign off in the usual manner. She replies to the messages you send slower than usual. She forgets to call you back. She is not as receptive to your advances as you last remember. She asks you what would you would do if she just didn’t want to have sex anymore. You can’t remember the last time she got jealous. She told you that if you broke up, she was happy she met you.

I’m sure you’ll recognize something in there.

Talking with Ace, he told me that in his experience it’s quite rare that a man gets less than a month’s notice. In my experience, I’d have to agree.

In my most recent relationship, were I to be completely honest, I had about 8 months advance warning, when she told me that she was happy she met me and that I was her first and if we broke up when I graduated, she’d have no regrets.

When she came back from El Salvador after visiting her family for a month, she tried my patience by revealing a new desire to be pure. Her family does not know about how far she and I have gone and constantly advise her to be chaste. She asked me a second time* about how I would feel if she didn’t want to have sex anymore.

She casually inserted “if we broke up” into conversation after Spring Break.

A month ago she sent me this message:

Hola amor. I can’t sleep.I have a lot in my mind and I want to send you this text, kind of like a letter. I have to say that This [sic] year hasn’t been going as I was expecting, and I’ kinda disappointed about it. What worries me the most is that it doesn’t that is going to get any better. Seems like you are going to be away most of the time, you graduated from college and your life seems to be going somewhere where I am not included. I’m so happy that you are becoming such an independent person and I’m extremely proud of you for that. I’m just telling you the things that I have in my mind, and that sometimes I can’t say when we talk. I remember how much we used to talk at the beginning, even though we were busy we found the time to discover more about each other. My love for you have increased since then, I could see the huge heart that you have, I love that you could open up with me and let me meet you better. I love how you care about your dog and cat, I like how you like to cook, and clean your house, I love when I make you laugh, I love when you get excited for something and can’t stop smiling. I’ve been thinking about how we talk about the future, and how I can see ourselves together,but is so hard to picture the present together for everything that is going on. The thought of break up with you terrifies me, because I don’t want to, I love you and I want you to always know that. There are time [sic] when I just like to stare at you because I like seeing you and I want to cross  the screen so I can hug you, but I can’t. I’m scare that you might meet someone while you are there, I’m not afraid I’m going to meet someone because I’m not interested on [sic] on meeting anyone else. But you are there alone, in a new place, and you are meeting new people, when I’m here with the same routine, plus sleeping a lot. I know all this is something I should have told you when we spoke today instead of being here writing, but sometimes I’m better writing than speaking.

I want to know what you think about all this.

Te quiero <3.

That’s about as clear of a warning as you can get. Our situation didn’t change. She stopped calling me amor and saying “Te amo” as opposed to “Te quiero” two weeks after she sent that text.

Two weeks after that, we broke up.


*The first time she asked, we were in a car, late at night, in the parking lot behind a large American supermarket. She asked me the same question, I gave the “right” answer, won that battle, took the spoils of conquest without a thought to the direction that the war just took.

In my mind now, my first responce to such a woman asking me about how I felt about the cessation of sexual healing would be another question of my own:

“How would you feel about me having sex with another girl?”

In the end, it’s all you can do

I was going to write a sad poem in German today, to release some despondent energy, from a recent family misfortune. I could barely write more than two lines.

“Jeder sagt es ist ein Teil seines Plan’,

Es gibt nichts, dass ich tun kann”

I’m not one to talk much about matters of the heart, at least not at first. In a short time, I’ve been surprised by such kindness from a few people. Despite surplus of lamentation of flaws, there are still people and behaviors that give one hope.

The important thing is to keep going and do your best. Self medicate if you must, but don’t do anything too rash or crazy. Give yourself time to mourn, but don’t let it derail you. If you do, you’ll find that pain with more pain is not a matter of simple addition, or even a matter of compound interest. Pain increases exponentially.

So whenever you encounter hardship and find yourself waiting to see how it will turn out, for good or ill, keep going and do the best you can. In the end, it’s all you can do.



(IYLG): #2 Катюша

I wrote a post last year in December detailing a simple tip on how to improve your skills in a desired language; to sing a song. Recently, I learned how to sing the song Katyusha (Катюша). It was created in 1938 by Matvey Blanter and Mikhail Isakovsky and it gained fame as an inspiration for defending one’s homeland. It is not to be confused with the Russian rocket launching truck by the same name. I learned how to sing this song two weeks ago and sang for my family, three Russian teachers of mine, and two female Russian students. They all thought I sound good. Or at least, I didn’t see any of them clasp bleeding ears after my rendition.


Расцветали яблони и груши,
Поплыли туманы над рекой;
Выходила на берег Катюша,
На высокий берег, на крутой.

Выходила, песню заводила
Про степного, сизого орла,
Про того, которого любила,
Про того, чьи письма берегла.

Ой, ты песня, песенка девичья,
Ты лети за ясным солнцем вслед,
И бойцу на дальнем пограничье
От Катюши передай привет.

Пусть он вспомнит девушку простую,
Пусть услышить, как она поет,
Пусть он землю бережет родную,
А любовь Катюша сбережет.

Расщветали яблони и груши,
Поплыли туманы над рекой;
Выходила на берег Катюша,
На высокий берег, на крутой


Update: New Additions to 80 Proof Playlist

I’ve perused Ace’s blog once more and found more songs I like very much. I’ve decided to add to the post I originally made, bring the total amount of songs to 55.

Here are the new entries, in order of oldest post to newest:

  1. “If my heart were still alive, I know it would surely break…” (Megadeth – A Tout Le Monde)
  2. “It’s unlikely the world will end tomorrow-“ (Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun)
  3. “How will I know that you’ll be good, doing the things you know you should?” (Dommin – My Heart, Your Hands)
  4. “Shhhhh, it’s Ok; it’s just me.” (Panzer AG – Monster)
  5. “I dare you to call my bluff; [I] can’t take too much of a good thing…” (Halestorm – I Miss The Misery)
  6. “Don’t forget this fact – you can’t get it back…” (J.J. CALE – Cocaine)
  7. “They’re sharing a drink called loneliness, but it’s better than drinking alone.” (Billy Joel – Piano Man)
  8. “I try to convince myself that the plane is not gone.” (Slaughter – Fly to the Angels)
  9. “…saeclum in favilla” (Mozart – Requiem in D minor)
  10. “There’s nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home…” (Six:AM – Life is Beautiful)
  11. “This will never end ’cause I want more.” (Fever Ray – If I had a Heart)
  12. “Forever in debt to your priceless advice…” (Lana Del Ray Cover of Nirvana – Heart Shaped Box)
  13. “But I can’t fix you and you don’t want me…” (She Wants Revenge – Someone Must Get Hurt)
  14. “…you feed it once and now it stays…”  (Metallica – Until it sleeps)
  15. “In the dawn, I wake up to find her gone and a note says:”  (Tito & Tarantula – After Dark)
  16. “Trust me and take my hand; when the lights go out, you’ll understand…” (Three Days Grace – Pain)
  17. “If I can’t swim after 40 days…” (Jars of Clay – Flood)

I’ve also rearranged all the songs on my original playlist post so that they are in the same order. The newest posts are at the bottom. The 80 Proof Playlist should now be one of the pages I have up, so that it is easier to access and peruse.


(Entire 80 Proof Playlist)

To Have Loved and Lost or Or to Never Have Loved at All

I’ve only had two conversations about having loved and lost or never at all in my life.
One, I had with my Dad. The other I had with Ace from 80 Proof. Unfortunately, I can’t recall the contents of my conversation with my father only that he thought it was better to have loved and lost versus the opposite. In contrast, that time I spoke with Ace, he believed the latter. To be fair to him, at the time, he’d suffered a bite of an apple from the Tree of Forbidden Knowledge which shocked him from one opinion to the other.
In that conversation, I believe I’ve come to an answer, though it may be a cop out. I believe it’s the middle between two extremes.
That’s fair.
The only answer I’ve got is a cop-out
Pain teaches you.
Pain at a young age, often not fatal, teaches you a lesson and “makes you feel alive”
Pain at an old age can mean a swift lesson followed by death
It is better to have loved and lost at a young age
or never at all
For now, I’ll save my whole love for God who deserves it
and my children who need it


Life Dream Part 2

In my previous post, I detailed my life dream for all to see.

This post is to give a little context to my dreams.

The first part is that my dreams came from inspiration. As I detailed in my about me section (which has been updated), I traveled to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil in 2009 to visit two of my best friends. One day we took my friend’s father drove us all a dockyard and we sailed to a beautiful place called Angra Dos Reis, or Angra for short.

We stayed there for about three days and I fell in love with the beauty of the azure sky and the chartreuse green trees and grass. On the car ride back to Rio, I resolved to buy an island of the coast of Brazil someday.


The beauty of my dream, is that I don’t need to accomplish it in its entirety to be satisfied with it or my life. If I only succeed and basing my family on the island to keep them safe and I don’t get any further, I’d be happy with it. Were I to die in the army before I could get out and further my designs to amass the money to buy such an island, I’d still be happy. Sure, I would not have completed my dream, but I would have died on the path I chose.

The best part is that with each passing year, more and more of my dream becomes clear to me. Though I do not knowing yet how I will accomplish everything, I know I will find out soon enough.


Here’s an original picture.

April 2010 in Brazilien

My Life’s Dream

I discovered my life’s dream after much conversation with Mitch Sturges in December of 2012. I finally wrote down the idea in January 2013 and sent emails out, later in the year, to several bloggers like Robert from 30 Days to X to test out how my idea sounded .

I still have my dream and I’m still working towards it. I thought I might share it, two years later. Here is part of an email I sent. A few things have changed since then, but I’ll include that in another post.

I’ve been sending my ideas for the manosphere and myself to a couple of people, and I grew curious of what you would think, because you’re around my age. It may take a little while to read, but if you can manage, tell me what you think.

I have two dreams: one dream of mine is for the manosphere but involves me. I wish for some day that the men of the manosphere are not anonymous to each other. I wish for some day where each man can help another whether it is helping out with game advice, fashion advice, fitness advice, or work advice. Maybe some men who are entrepreneurs can offer jobs to men within the manosphere. I hope for it to be a community that is independent of the current, poisonous western society, though it lives within it. From this community, we could gain enough momentum to change society or transcend it. I do not know how to best do this. What I am trying to do right now, is meet as many men of the manosphere as possible. I have emailed you, young gunner, and will email the blogger Xsplat at a later point. I am overseas so I offer conversation through skype. But when I am back in the US and either of you guys are nearby, the first round is on me. I believe that if everyone in the manosphere got to know one another, a sense of community would arise naturally. I would like to see the manosphere organized, certainly before it goes mainstream.

Kind of like a secret society, we would exert an influence, from behind the scenes. If everyone got to know one another, the Dead Beta Society would be a tangible reality I think. I find it hard to convert the average man off the street to the red pill, or even close friends. But if a large enough group of men got together, suddenly, mass conversions are a reality. The very reason I have a blog, besides getting out my own thoughts or experiences, is to communicate with the men of the manosphere, because they will more readily talk to and trust someone with an online presence. Because I have invested my time and energy into being a part of the same manosphere, I cannot tattle tale on them to the media, for we share the same secret. That is the same reason I have joined the Roosh V forum. I have posted alot more this last year to build up more of an online presence so that I am part of the in group and have more influence to help get to know more people. I have contacted one guy who is doing an online datng script. I talked to him once on skype and we got along right away.


My second dream, is my life’s dream in detail. My highest goal, is to live forever, through the memory of man. To that end, I wish to buy an island off the coast of Brazil and make my own island. I have been in contact with Bill Powell of Apocalypse Cometh and Dr. Illusion of Illusion of Insanity (and I am filling out Young Gunner on my plans). I plan to make the country self-sustainable in both energy needs, shelter, and nourishment. Bill Powell says he has found an island 56 miles of the coast of Brazil, 1164 acrs, for $4 million. I hope to buy the island and have like minded men of the manosphere move to the island so that we can change the world in peace. In theory, the island would be too small to attract the strategic interest of nations, and therefore we would be free to operate on our own terms, undisturbed. As part of the plan, Bill and I discussed starting an alcohol business, for rum, using inexpensive sugar cane. I would hope to be successful and be the best selling rum in Brazil. From there I would try to reverse the effects of feminism in Brazil and make it a red pill country before moving onto the world.

Meanwhile, I would buy up hotels, restaurants, clothing stores, clubs, bars, newspapers, and hostels in the capitals of the world. That way, where ever a citizen of my country, or a man of the manosphere, goes, he would be able to eat, drink, and sleep somewhere for free. If I bought up newspapers, I could silence feminist propaganda at the least, if not counteract it with my own. Fnally, by owning hostels, I would be able to imbue the red pill in the younger generations who like travel (or set up spots for manosphere men) and counteract western poison one youth at a time. My ideas are constantly developing. My idea for my country is developing. And I know I do not have all the skills I need. I do know that there are men in the manosphere who do have skills I need. And if we were a community, I could utilize that to buy, and later, develop a home for the manosphere.

Those are my dreams. How do they sound?


On Equality

I don’t believe in equality and neither do you. No one does.

It’s never existed and never will.

Inequality is encoded within rules and laws. For example, at my university, there’s a fitness test that all cadets must take.

For men, the min/max standards are:      For women the min/max standards are:

5/20 pull ups in two minutes                         1/8 pull up in two minutes

60/92 sit ups in two minutes                         60/92 sit ups in two minutes

12:30/08:30 for a 1.5 mile run                      14:20/09:26 for a 1.5 mile run

A representative from my university can shout until he’s blue in the face that his institution believes in equality, but the rules speak for themselves.

During a game, a football coach might smack the ass of one of his players, “Get out there!” and no one will bat an eye. But if a football coach had female players an did the same act, most people would view it as sexual harassment.

In the realm of dating, women tend to be very picky as to choosing suitors for courtship. Another way to put that, is that they are very discriminating. An odd quirk here, a badly timed joke there, and one’s chances to court can be thrown into the wind. Were we all equal, there would be no courtship and no need to discriminate between mates. There would just be the loud moaning sounds of making new life ringing in the streets.

In the realm of relationships, were there equality, there would not exist a distinction between friends such as acquaintance, friend, good friend, fair-weather friend, or best friend. They’d all be one and the same.

In the realm of food, were there equality, all foodstuffs would be equally as healthy. The world would grind to a halt as people stuffed their faces with as much ice cream, doritos, and cheetos as humanly possible. All those women who were sad and comfort ate would be as skinny as the women who watched what they ate and exercised.

Treating things equally is a recipe for a mess if not outright disaster.

If you try to nail a few pieces of plywood together using nails and a backscratcher, the job will take a couple of years to finish, if it ever does at all. If you try to scratch someone’s back with a hammer, at best they’ll have several noticeable scratches on their back. At worse, they’ll have a broken back and you’ll have one less friend.

Some Rules ‘We’ Made

My girlfriend and I have about six rules we try our best to follow (more successfully now than before).

  1. When arguing – no swearing or name calling
  2. No bringing up old arguments
  3. Unless we agree to do so
  4. Tell the other person before we go to bed if we’re angry.
  5. If we get far apart, we must come back close together (read: make up sex)
  6. No breaking up over a petty argument. If we break up, it’s serious.

She came up will rule #6 herself after she had a conversation with a co-worker who got into an argument with her boyfriend, broke up with him, cried about it, and got back together with him all in the same hour.

The only rules we’ve had trouble following?

#4 and #5

We tend to get silent when we’re mad and I don’t see her that much because she’s a three hour drive from my university.

She’s been my longest relationship so far and I suspect these rules may have something to do with it.


Thoughts: Quick and Dirty

Several short thoughts:

1) If a girl challenges you to a drinking contest in a bar and you only met her that day, she’s challenging your ego to distract you from the fact that she just wants you to buy her a drink. It’s a bait and switch and a rookie mistake to make.

If a girl challenges you to a drinking contest and you actually want to go through with it, make her buy the first round. If she declines, you can either tell her to “put her money where her mouth is” or call her out.

2) One new goal of mine. I want to get to the point where I don’t tell people how well a girl fucks, sucks, cooks, cleans, or takes care of me because I consider it normal and expect it.